day 2

April 28th

Thinking overload I'd say. I feel I've overthought so many scenarios in my mind of what I should, could or shouldn't do that I'm driving myself insane.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. I've done very well in the past with therapy and medication. As long as I keep an eye on my moods I've been good. When times get tougher than usual is when I start to panic. This event of dating is one of them. My daughter has been going through a very hard time herself. She too struggles with depression and anxiety. I know teens usually all do in some degree but knowing our family's genes we are at a high risk for extreme to moderate depression and possible bi polar disorder. Nothing wrong with a little chemical imbalance as long as your aware of the risks and seek help.
So, needless to say, I have my daughter in counseling and it's been going well. I was told that she may need some short term medication to help with her mood swings. No problem. I get it but I'm the one that needs the xanax to deal with her ups and downs. Already have it! So what know I think to myself. What do I need? Therapy myself wouldn't hurt. But here's the problem. Going through a divorce, no insurance, no close family nearby, 4 kids to deal with and low income doesn't help my search to sanity.
Before I go on with my rant on how pathetic I sound let me give you a piece of my irrational thoughts.
Here I am telling the so called world my inner thoughts and life's bleak scenario of what I deal with daily, let me say what I really feel about openly allowing anyone to see what happens behind closed doors. There's ALWAYS someone who has to be too damn nosey and looking to "charge me" with something. Neglect, abuse, etc. etc. So here I am allowing anyone to see my life's short comings and I'm the one at risk of allowing the public to report me. Bunch of shit! The more I'm an open book the more risk I'm giving to all you dipshits in life that think you're better than everyone else because you hide behind your perfect house, perfect children, perfect manicured lawns and driveway, perfect job and perfect religion! I'm in the REAL world! I'm struggling like most other families and especially single moms. I'm reality, I'm myself. I'm here to look good and show how well off I am. Right now I'm not. That's ok. I'm here in my life to learn not to show off. And even if I did have an abundance of money and prestigue I'd be damned if I acted perfect and didn't give my 100% to others in need. This so called thing we live called "life" isn't about living behind closed doors. It's about learning to accept others, ourselves and most importantly our ups and downs.
So before I rant more about how pathetic I am. I'm gonna tell you my wishes. I wish my ex husband and his wife develop irritable bowel syndrome. So then they can be full of shit all the time and have the runs. They won't have time to judge me and call DCFS about how horrible of a parent I am, how neglectful I am, how my children are just so damn dirty and malnourished and living in feces and have no clothes on them. How me getting a divorce for the 2nd time means I'm worthless and a failure. How I don't know how to parent or love or being a human. I wish them all the luck with their shit and constant bathroom breaks. Maybe then they worry about their own "Shit" in their perfect manured lawn and perfect life.
I wish my spouse, soon to be ex-husband, gets a massive pay raise and is so happy with his wonderful life that I can get his child support so my children can be blessed with a house paid for consistently, a vacation a year with their mother, a father that spends lots of time and money on them. All of which will benefit them. Not me, them.
I wish my oldest daughter's biological father gets a brain transplant with a man that loved his children unconditionally. That was a loving, nurturing, selfless, intelligent and compassionate man. Then maybe, just maybe, he'd see how his neglecting his right as a father has hurt his most beautiful and prized possessions. His forgotten children. Not just my daughter but his other children he fathered and left for a mother to care for his lack of responsibility. May he rot in hell!
Of course none of the above irrational thinking would ever come true so all I can ask is for your support as a kind, considerate human being to STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS and enjoy my blog. LOL No seriously.
Back to my therapy lust.
I have some thoughts of how I can get my therapy and reassessment of my anti-depressant. First, I applied for PCN. The state's funded health care for non or under insured. It's not medicaid but close enough. I'm hoping to get some kind of health insurance through my part time job but of course it'll probably cost my paycheck. So who knows. Then I can look into free clinics. Heck anyone that will listen to my past and present problems will help I'm sure. Heck you're one of them. But knowing that I write this blog and don't expect anyone to reply to it that doesn't help. I'm sure it'll all work out, it always does.
As for allowing my daughter to spend time with her boyfriend yesterday, I did. But under my conditions this time. I allowed her to be with him in a public store first, then they pulled a sneeky one on me, I said they could see a movie together but I was going. I thought they'd choose from a few movies that I'd like to see but they wanted to see a lame love story. I already saw it with my daughter so I never thought she'd want to see it again. It wasn't that good the first time. Then I remembered he "said" he likes love stories. REALLY, no guy likes loves stories. Anyways, I gave in and went to my own theater while they watch the lame movie. Still don't know what happened in that theater. I can only imagine. But I did tell him if he made out with my daughter I'd kick his ass. Knowing that this was his first time meeting me I hope it scared him. After the movie, we went to the park by his house to meet his older brother and his girlfriend. I tried my best to embarrass her but she kept telling me I wasn't embarrassing her. Darn. Maybe then she'd not want me around. But she loves me today and I'm back to being the coolest mom. I'm pleased to announce she thanked me for allowing her to see her boyfriend two days in a row.
Now what?

April 27th, 2013

Do I play the grown-up, friend or foe? I'm still waiting for the thank you for allowing me to go last night. Won't happen I'm sure. Not only do I never listen to her, I'm not fun to be around now either. I use to be her rock now I'm just a rock she sit on and leaves when done resting. I'm just another parent that isn't wanted. I'm a horrible mother. That's what she said. I finally stopped talking so now she can take a shower. What happened to "Mom I don't really care to listen right now I'm about to take a shower"? Or the shut up I heard many time you're boring me. I don't mind that. At least I knew what she was feeling and thinking. What about I can't wait to tell my mom what happened today. Now it's you never listen. You don't care. You are embarassing and I don't want to talk.
I know I didn't talk to my parents. They were too goodie goodie. If I told them I kissed a boy for the first time they'd ground me from going out with friends. I know this to be true. I, on the other hand, took the other approach by explaining how awful it was on my 1st kiss. How tremendously unprepared I was and naive. I set up her up for failure so it was good the first time. Although my first kiss was horrendous and spitifying, I still had my first kiss with Tim White. Outside a dirty hotel and casino in Las Vegas. A hurry up and kiss me before your mom sees kind of kiss. Grossed me out!
My daughter had the sense to wait til she was ready. No spit, no tongue (that I know of) and a simple peck. Now I worry about her first french. Not good, not good!!!!! I doubt the way we're going she'll tell me. I am her mother, her old best friend apparently, not her best friend not her favorite friend but her horrible mother.
I cry and cry! I mope around acting like a sad loser. I AM THE MOTHER!

APRIL 27TH

Sitting on a soft white plush topped Serta mattress, I contemplate if things will get better or worse before I lose it. I know life's hard but when will the hard times become the good times again? I sit in sadness and dismay thinking of how quick life can change. Looking back, as a child myself, I think of all the stupid things I did and how the fear of my parents knowing the things I did would get me in big trouble. Now I see as a parent how terrified the were knowing all the stupid things I was probably doing and not being able to help me. So I sit on my mattress sad and mortified of what the teenage years will bring to me once again. I'm not the same fearless, so called knowledgeable, invincible teenager I once was. I'm a mother of 4 beautiful, smart and extremely loved children. A mother like all good mothers wants the best for my children. Wants to let the reigns go a bit but not enough to allow any harm for my horse. I want to let them experience life in its goodness and not so much of its badness because like I said before, " I know life's hard but when will the hard times become the good times again?"

April 27th, 2013