And it shall be......

I like the change of color in my post. Brings....difference.....change......adjustment.....afterthoughts.....new. I'm not sure what it is about the new look that makes me want to continue but change is sometimes refreshing. If only I could decide what I like best. What feels best. I could finally be satisfied until I get bored again and have to change it up a bit.
Look at me, I'm writing again and it hasn't even been a week. Wow!
Decided what to write about isn't hard this time but deciding on what color to stay with is actually a harder thing to do today. Maybe this one is good. Brighter, outspoken, very assertive. But will it turn people off. Will my numbers of views go down. LOL I think I have 3 people. But hey if it goes down to just me then will my life seem useless. I hated that dark purple and this color seems like puke. Maybe something bold! Are you getting sick of the change? I'm sick of it too but I just can't figure out if I should be writing in bright, dark, neutral or something like this grey. In between too boring or not enough contrast.
This is how my life feels like. I can't decide what to do, where to live, how to go about things, over thinking and not going anywhere but in circles.
My daughter is feeling the same way. She's realizing where she feels she fits in, how she feels about others and doesn't know which road to take either. I'm no help, at this point. I trust god has a plan but I worry I'm just too lazy and won't want his way. I fear I'm going to become a nothing. A boring "grey" mother and woman. I feel I'm not living up to my potential. I'm getting depressed again not knowing what to do. I wish life did have a road map set in stone for me at times.
Lately, I've been watching my daughter struggle growing up. She's very hard on herself and expects herself to be perfect. As a teenager I too did the same thing. I think most teens do. I wonder if its our mistakes we make as teens that make us adults learn to let go of the perfect life we expected us to have. But I can't say this is true. I look to men and women that had a dream and never gave up on it and achieve their happiness. Are they truly happy though? I don't know. Would they rethink they're goals and go another way if they didn't feel the drive and will power to achieve their dreams?
I constantly think and rethink these thoughts. Daily. I wonder if I'm making excuses for myself. I love being a stay at home mom but the fact that I can't be this, because I'm a single mom, what's the best job to have that will let me be both. I want to be "somebody". I'm sure my daughter feels the same way. She has 4 years until she's able to go on her own. Will she be like me, clueless, or will she figure out what she wants and goes for it?
As frustrated as I am, I sit up writing these thoughts. I rehash the same things. Hoping to have a new thought that will motivate me one way or another. 
Am I destined to do something great? Is being a supportive mom all that's in it for me? Will my kids look at me when grown to be a wonderful example or will they wish I'd have been different?
I just don't know what to do? When will my a ha moment come? I want my story to be as the scriptures say and it shall be.............
Please just give me a sign! 

Once again I don't surprise myself when not writing for a long while. Almost 4 months. Not bad, I have journals that I didn't write in for years.
So here's the short version of the past 4 months.
Didn't end up moving. Still waiting for my house to be foreclosed or if I'm lucky, I find a full time job that will get us into another place before the foreclosure happens. The summer flew by. My daughter attended EFY and struggled for the first few days but learned a lot from it. EFY is Especially for Youth. An LDS educational week for teens to get to know other teens with the same beliefs and learn more about Christ and his gospel. I went once as a teen and it was a life changing experience. I felt so close to members of my own church like I never had or have since. I have wanted my daughter to experience what I did but she didn't have the same outcome as myself. She did enjoy it at the end but has stated it wasn't a "big deal" really.
Is that code?
She sees her boyfriend everyday for the most part. They're inseparable. I got a surprise once watching a little too much making out on my couch. After my embarrassing outburst I'm sure I won't see that again. Hopefully. But I'm not stupid either. So I've set boundaries since. I want to give a bit to let them learn but have the leash to pull her back when needed too. I'm sure my sex lectures are being heard. This is because they get one weekly for the most part. I'm very very blatant about pregnancy and STD's and intimacy. I wasn't taught this.
I remember being sexually active and I hadn't heard one lecture from my parents about sex. Not 1. If a girl has her period or is at least 12 and can be taught in school about the body then the parents need to be the one to open the communication lines. Kids don't want to ask about sex. It's embarrassing and unfamiliar. Experimenting is all they have if they don't have a source to go that they trust will tell them the truth.
Anyways, their friendship and relationship has seemed positive.
My girl however is struggling deeply with Anxiety & Depression. I have the same problem. I suffer with this and have all my life. I'm medicated and still need to open up with my family, friends and physicians when feeling suicidal or "off". She has been seeing a counselor and is going to be seen shortly by a Psychiatrist. Hopefully the medication she receives will be beneficial.
Once school started a couple weeks ago I noticed how much she needs to get on meds. She's too brilliant to feel she's worthless and not good at multi-tasking like she used to be. I'll admit, the school is asking too much from all their students for 9th grade. But being that she signed up for these particular classes and thought she'd like them must mean she has an interest but can't seem to mentally cope yet with the responsibilities the classes require.
I don't think I cared at her age as much. She puts so much pressure on herself. No wonder kids these days are killing themselves. They feel they aren't matching up to what society is expecting from them. I see such amazing, smart and good kids fall into the wrong crowd, drugs or sexual promiscuity because they don't see an outlet for their stress. Parents have to be there for them. Inspire and guide our next generation. I pray I'm gonna be the best I can be as a parent and hope that god will do the rest.
Til next time......LOL