And it shall be......

I like the change of color in my post. Brings....difference.....change......adjustment.....afterthoughts.....new. I'm not sure what it is about the new look that makes me want to continue but change is sometimes refreshing. If only I could decide what I like best. What feels best. I could finally be satisfied until I get bored again and have to change it up a bit.
Look at me, I'm writing again and it hasn't even been a week. Wow!
Decided what to write about isn't hard this time but deciding on what color to stay with is actually a harder thing to do today. Maybe this one is good. Brighter, outspoken, very assertive. But will it turn people off. Will my numbers of views go down. LOL I think I have 3 people. But hey if it goes down to just me then will my life seem useless. I hated that dark purple and this color seems like puke. Maybe something bold! Are you getting sick of the change? I'm sick of it too but I just can't figure out if I should be writing in bright, dark, neutral or something like this grey. In between too boring or not enough contrast.
This is how my life feels like. I can't decide what to do, where to live, how to go about things, over thinking and not going anywhere but in circles.
My daughter is feeling the same way. She's realizing where she feels she fits in, how she feels about others and doesn't know which road to take either. I'm no help, at this point. I trust god has a plan but I worry I'm just too lazy and won't want his way. I fear I'm going to become a nothing. A boring "grey" mother and woman. I feel I'm not living up to my potential. I'm getting depressed again not knowing what to do. I wish life did have a road map set in stone for me at times.
Lately, I've been watching my daughter struggle growing up. She's very hard on herself and expects herself to be perfect. As a teenager I too did the same thing. I think most teens do. I wonder if its our mistakes we make as teens that make us adults learn to let go of the perfect life we expected us to have. But I can't say this is true. I look to men and women that had a dream and never gave up on it and achieve their happiness. Are they truly happy though? I don't know. Would they rethink they're goals and go another way if they didn't feel the drive and will power to achieve their dreams?
I constantly think and rethink these thoughts. Daily. I wonder if I'm making excuses for myself. I love being a stay at home mom but the fact that I can't be this, because I'm a single mom, what's the best job to have that will let me be both. I want to be "somebody". I'm sure my daughter feels the same way. She has 4 years until she's able to go on her own. Will she be like me, clueless, or will she figure out what she wants and goes for it?
As frustrated as I am, I sit up writing these thoughts. I rehash the same things. Hoping to have a new thought that will motivate me one way or another. 
Am I destined to do something great? Is being a supportive mom all that's in it for me? Will my kids look at me when grown to be a wonderful example or will they wish I'd have been different?
I just don't know what to do? When will my a ha moment come? I want my story to be as the scriptures say and it shall be.............
Please just give me a sign! 

Once again I don't surprise myself when not writing for a long while. Almost 4 months. Not bad, I have journals that I didn't write in for years.
So here's the short version of the past 4 months.
Didn't end up moving. Still waiting for my house to be foreclosed or if I'm lucky, I find a full time job that will get us into another place before the foreclosure happens. The summer flew by. My daughter attended EFY and struggled for the first few days but learned a lot from it. EFY is Especially for Youth. An LDS educational week for teens to get to know other teens with the same beliefs and learn more about Christ and his gospel. I went once as a teen and it was a life changing experience. I felt so close to members of my own church like I never had or have since. I have wanted my daughter to experience what I did but she didn't have the same outcome as myself. She did enjoy it at the end but has stated it wasn't a "big deal" really.
Is that code?
She sees her boyfriend everyday for the most part. They're inseparable. I got a surprise once watching a little too much making out on my couch. After my embarrassing outburst I'm sure I won't see that again. Hopefully. But I'm not stupid either. So I've set boundaries since. I want to give a bit to let them learn but have the leash to pull her back when needed too. I'm sure my sex lectures are being heard. This is because they get one weekly for the most part. I'm very very blatant about pregnancy and STD's and intimacy. I wasn't taught this.
I remember being sexually active and I hadn't heard one lecture from my parents about sex. Not 1. If a girl has her period or is at least 12 and can be taught in school about the body then the parents need to be the one to open the communication lines. Kids don't want to ask about sex. It's embarrassing and unfamiliar. Experimenting is all they have if they don't have a source to go that they trust will tell them the truth.
Anyways, their friendship and relationship has seemed positive.
My girl however is struggling deeply with Anxiety & Depression. I have the same problem. I suffer with this and have all my life. I'm medicated and still need to open up with my family, friends and physicians when feeling suicidal or "off". She has been seeing a counselor and is going to be seen shortly by a Psychiatrist. Hopefully the medication she receives will be beneficial.
Once school started a couple weeks ago I noticed how much she needs to get on meds. She's too brilliant to feel she's worthless and not good at multi-tasking like she used to be. I'll admit, the school is asking too much from all their students for 9th grade. But being that she signed up for these particular classes and thought she'd like them must mean she has an interest but can't seem to mentally cope yet with the responsibilities the classes require.
I don't think I cared at her age as much. She puts so much pressure on herself. No wonder kids these days are killing themselves. They feel they aren't matching up to what society is expecting from them. I see such amazing, smart and good kids fall into the wrong crowd, drugs or sexual promiscuity because they don't see an outlet for their stress. Parents have to be there for them. Inspire and guide our next generation. I pray I'm gonna be the best I can be as a parent and hope that god will do the rest.
Til next time......LOL

May 8, 2013

I hope I don't make a habit of not blogging each weekend. I've got a lot of responsibilities this month to accomplish. So bare with me.
Well I'm back to the cool mom. Go figure! Make up your mind child. I give my permission for her to see her boyfriend for a few hours a weekend. Only catch is it's with supervision of my choosing.
This last weekend our family held a yard sale. Everyone had to help. Meaning her BF had to come to our house if they were going to see each other. Since I had already spent time being myself around him he knew what he was in for.
Surprisingly his parents allowed him to come too. It was a busy day and it seemed to work out well.
I would have never trusted my parents to be around my boyfriends. I never once would have asked if he could come over and be around my family. Many reasons. First over 6 people in a house at all times was hard enough but when the rest came home I'd be embarassed. I was raised in a large family that always had someone throwing punches or unkind words. Don't get me wrong, we loved each other just not all the time. The fact that I had 7 brothers and 2 sisters and me being the 4th child meant a lot of protection. I would have been EMBARASSED! To say the least. My other reason for not trusting my parents to allow me to was the fact that I didn't trust them. I was raised in an LDS family with standards that I didn't (at the time) agree with and believe were in my best interest. Go figure, a kid not believing rules were in their best interest. So when I told my daughter that she can only follow my rules if she's allowed to see her BF well I'm impressed with myself. She trusts me and apparently loves me enough to do just that trust me.
So I sat with them on the couch as I watched a show about BTK killer and the surviving family members. While they teased each other, talked and, yes, kissed. Don't think I wasn't monitoring the kissing. You betcha I was. But they're comfortable enough to kiss in front of me. I see this as progress. I not once kissed anyone in front of my parents until I was married. I didn't need to be judged or made fun of by my siblings either.
So I may not agree with them beginning a relationship so young in age but at least they show respect and love to each other and don't mind me anymore. We'll see how far their relationship will go.

day 2

April 28th

Thinking overload I'd say. I feel I've overthought so many scenarios in my mind of what I should, could or shouldn't do that I'm driving myself insane.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. I've done very well in the past with therapy and medication. As long as I keep an eye on my moods I've been good. When times get tougher than usual is when I start to panic. This event of dating is one of them. My daughter has been going through a very hard time herself. She too struggles with depression and anxiety. I know teens usually all do in some degree but knowing our family's genes we are at a high risk for extreme to moderate depression and possible bi polar disorder. Nothing wrong with a little chemical imbalance as long as your aware of the risks and seek help.
So, needless to say, I have my daughter in counseling and it's been going well. I was told that she may need some short term medication to help with her mood swings. No problem. I get it but I'm the one that needs the xanax to deal with her ups and downs. Already have it! So what know I think to myself. What do I need? Therapy myself wouldn't hurt. But here's the problem. Going through a divorce, no insurance, no close family nearby, 4 kids to deal with and low income doesn't help my search to sanity.
Before I go on with my rant on how pathetic I sound let me give you a piece of my irrational thoughts.
Here I am telling the so called world my inner thoughts and life's bleak scenario of what I deal with daily, let me say what I really feel about openly allowing anyone to see what happens behind closed doors. There's ALWAYS someone who has to be too damn nosey and looking to "charge me" with something. Neglect, abuse, etc. etc. So here I am allowing anyone to see my life's short comings and I'm the one at risk of allowing the public to report me. Bunch of shit! The more I'm an open book the more risk I'm giving to all you dipshits in life that think you're better than everyone else because you hide behind your perfect house, perfect children, perfect manicured lawns and driveway, perfect job and perfect religion! I'm in the REAL world! I'm struggling like most other families and especially single moms. I'm reality, I'm myself. I'm here to look good and show how well off I am. Right now I'm not. That's ok. I'm here in my life to learn not to show off. And even if I did have an abundance of money and prestigue I'd be damned if I acted perfect and didn't give my 100% to others in need. This so called thing we live called "life" isn't about living behind closed doors. It's about learning to accept others, ourselves and most importantly our ups and downs.
So before I rant more about how pathetic I am. I'm gonna tell you my wishes. I wish my ex husband and his wife develop irritable bowel syndrome. So then they can be full of shit all the time and have the runs. They won't have time to judge me and call DCFS about how horrible of a parent I am, how neglectful I am, how my children are just so damn dirty and malnourished and living in feces and have no clothes on them. How me getting a divorce for the 2nd time means I'm worthless and a failure. How I don't know how to parent or love or being a human. I wish them all the luck with their shit and constant bathroom breaks. Maybe then they worry about their own "Shit" in their perfect manured lawn and perfect life.
I wish my spouse, soon to be ex-husband, gets a massive pay raise and is so happy with his wonderful life that I can get his child support so my children can be blessed with a house paid for consistently, a vacation a year with their mother, a father that spends lots of time and money on them. All of which will benefit them. Not me, them.
I wish my oldest daughter's biological father gets a brain transplant with a man that loved his children unconditionally. That was a loving, nurturing, selfless, intelligent and compassionate man. Then maybe, just maybe, he'd see how his neglecting his right as a father has hurt his most beautiful and prized possessions. His forgotten children. Not just my daughter but his other children he fathered and left for a mother to care for his lack of responsibility. May he rot in hell!
Of course none of the above irrational thinking would ever come true so all I can ask is for your support as a kind, considerate human being to STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS and enjoy my blog. LOL No seriously.
Back to my therapy lust.
I have some thoughts of how I can get my therapy and reassessment of my anti-depressant. First, I applied for PCN. The state's funded health care for non or under insured. It's not medicaid but close enough. I'm hoping to get some kind of health insurance through my part time job but of course it'll probably cost my paycheck. So who knows. Then I can look into free clinics. Heck anyone that will listen to my past and present problems will help I'm sure. Heck you're one of them. But knowing that I write this blog and don't expect anyone to reply to it that doesn't help. I'm sure it'll all work out, it always does.
As for allowing my daughter to spend time with her boyfriend yesterday, I did. But under my conditions this time. I allowed her to be with him in a public store first, then they pulled a sneeky one on me, I said they could see a movie together but I was going. I thought they'd choose from a few movies that I'd like to see but they wanted to see a lame love story. I already saw it with my daughter so I never thought she'd want to see it again. It wasn't that good the first time. Then I remembered he "said" he likes love stories. REALLY, no guy likes loves stories. Anyways, I gave in and went to my own theater while they watch the lame movie. Still don't know what happened in that theater. I can only imagine. But I did tell him if he made out with my daughter I'd kick his ass. Knowing that this was his first time meeting me I hope it scared him. After the movie, we went to the park by his house to meet his older brother and his girlfriend. I tried my best to embarrass her but she kept telling me I wasn't embarrassing her. Darn. Maybe then she'd not want me around. But she loves me today and I'm back to being the coolest mom. I'm pleased to announce she thanked me for allowing her to see her boyfriend two days in a row.
Now what?

April 27th, 2013

Do I play the grown-up, friend or foe? I'm still waiting for the thank you for allowing me to go last night. Won't happen I'm sure. Not only do I never listen to her, I'm not fun to be around now either. I use to be her rock now I'm just a rock she sit on and leaves when done resting. I'm just another parent that isn't wanted. I'm a horrible mother. That's what she said. I finally stopped talking so now she can take a shower. What happened to "Mom I don't really care to listen right now I'm about to take a shower"? Or the shut up I heard many time you're boring me. I don't mind that. At least I knew what she was feeling and thinking. What about I can't wait to tell my mom what happened today. Now it's you never listen. You don't care. You are embarassing and I don't want to talk.
I know I didn't talk to my parents. They were too goodie goodie. If I told them I kissed a boy for the first time they'd ground me from going out with friends. I know this to be true. I, on the other hand, took the other approach by explaining how awful it was on my 1st kiss. How tremendously unprepared I was and naive. I set up her up for failure so it was good the first time. Although my first kiss was horrendous and spitifying, I still had my first kiss with Tim White. Outside a dirty hotel and casino in Las Vegas. A hurry up and kiss me before your mom sees kind of kiss. Grossed me out!
My daughter had the sense to wait til she was ready. No spit, no tongue (that I know of) and a simple peck. Now I worry about her first french. Not good, not good!!!!! I doubt the way we're going she'll tell me. I am her mother, her old best friend apparently, not her best friend not her favorite friend but her horrible mother.
I cry and cry! I mope around acting like a sad loser. I AM THE MOTHER!

APRIL 27TH

Sitting on a soft white plush topped Serta mattress, I contemplate if things will get better or worse before I lose it. I know life's hard but when will the hard times become the good times again? I sit in sadness and dismay thinking of how quick life can change. Looking back, as a child myself, I think of all the stupid things I did and how the fear of my parents knowing the things I did would get me in big trouble. Now I see as a parent how terrified the were knowing all the stupid things I was probably doing and not being able to help me. So I sit on my mattress sad and mortified of what the teenage years will bring to me once again. I'm not the same fearless, so called knowledgeable, invincible teenager I once was. I'm a mother of 4 beautiful, smart and extremely loved children. A mother like all good mothers wants the best for my children. Wants to let the reigns go a bit but not enough to allow any harm for my horse. I want to let them experience life in its goodness and not so much of its badness because like I said before, " I know life's hard but when will the hard times become the good times again?"

April 27th, 2013